29 Things I've Learned in My 29 Years of Life
A few reflections as I close out my birthday month.
Hello, friends!
How’s this newsletter finding you? As I write this, I’m occupying a rather blissful, liminal space of the morning where everything feels still and peaceful1, there’s a lazy cacophony of bird chirps outside the window, and I’ve just finished my first cup of coffee (piping hot and served black in one of my favorite chipped ceramic mugs). It’s damp and chilly, but I have the windows open to bring in some crispy sea air and wake up my senses a bit. I’m wearing one of those old, impossibly soft sweatshirts that I can’t bear to get rid of—not because of any real sentimentality attached to it, but because it demands no pomp and circumstance, and I feel comforted wearing something that is so content in its own aging and softness. It’s as if this February morning demands it.
I’m cherishing the wintery days we have left, and I’m firmly in the camp of hoping the season sticks around for another month. I’m still in a wintering mindset! Let us rest and not rush our future blooming.
We rush around enough, you know?
February is my birthday month (Feb. 8 is the day), so while I’ve previously described myself as a “sun-worshipping lizard,” I do find lots of joy and reflection in this cold, dark time of year. This year’s birthday was one I’ll always remember. I spent it swimming among sharks, sting rays, and coral in Belize—a country that ignited my sense of wonder in so many incredible ways—and came back to Seattle where my partner, Aaron, and our friends threw me an epic surprise party (I was totally surprised).
But the cherry on top of it all was the day after the party, when Aaron took me on a date to make homemade candles and then surprised me by sharing that he had re-read every issue of Second Breakfast and picked out 30 of his favorite phrases that we could use to name the candles we made. We ended with candles whose scents were inspired by phrases I’ve written in this very newsletter, including “a long, meandering walk,” “an electrifying layer of joy,” and “stormy seas outside.” It was the most thoughtful finale to the celebrations, and I’m still not over it. *Sobs*
I write about all this because this birthday helped me fully internalize—I mean really, truly feel in the depths of my bones—that there’s no better gift than feeling seen and loved by your community. To every single person who has made that possible, thank you. I don’t take it for granted even for a moment. It’s made me want to be more intentional with the way I show up for others: How can I ensure those around me feel seen and loved? What could I be doing better? How can I better cultivate community in the spaces I occupy?
And of course, because I’m nothing if not a sucker for a deep reflection moment, I started thinking about the other little pieces of wisdom I’ve learned over the years—the ones that make navigating life a little easier, richer, and more entertaining. Here’s what I came up with…
29 Things I’ve Learned in My 29 Years of Life (an incomplete list, in no particular order)
Most people are so caught up in their own shit that they don’t really care what you do or don’t do. If they do—and have judge-y opinions about it—they’re likely projecting their own insecurities onto you. Fear of other people’s judgment shouldn’t prevent us from doing the things we want to do. Just go for it!
Biting into a slice of fresh bread with good butter and a sprinkle of flaky sea salt is about as close as I get to believing heaven exists.2
95% of the time, whatever you’re worried about at work is not actually that big of a deal.
You can lead a horse to water, but you can’t make them drink. I think about that saying often. In other words, you can help someone all you want—and offer them all the tools, resources, and support in the world—but they have to want to help themselves and make changes on their own. (And please note: I’m not referring to systemic societal issues here. Let’s not be in the business of blaming individuals for issues that have been caused by our government and society’s failure to adequately value and provide for human’s basic needs. Bye!)
Reading writing from people who have different lived experiences than you is one of the best ways to (quickly) expand your worldview and become a more empathetic human. I’m so grateful for every family member, teacher, friend, colleague, and stranger who gave me a book or sent me an article that expanded and sharpened my brain.
The impact of our words + actions matter way more than the intent of our words + actions. If what we say or do hurts someone, even if we didn’t mean for it to, we’re still responsible for causing that hurt.
On that note, learning how to give a sincere apology saves everyone a lot of stress and hurt.
You never have to explain why you’re saying no. As they say, “no” is a complete sentence.
Experiencing discomfort can often be a sign of personal growth. Sometimes it’s best just to lean into it.
You are not responsible for other people’s ideas about who you are and who you’re growing into. If they’re disappointed because their expectations of you don’t match reality, that’s usually on them, not on you.
Humans would be a lot better off if we took more cues from nature and less from the stock markets.
It’s okay to be an adult and have no idea what you want to be when you grow up.
Making time for play (however you define that) makes life a million times more fun.
Most people don’t want to acknowledge the facts, structures, or systems that challenge their real, perceived, or aspirational power.
The kinds of things I liked to do when I was nine were very predictive of the kinds of things I like to do at 29. (Read, write, play outside, have deep conversations about the world, pet animals, eat baked goods, etc.). Do the things that delight your inner child!
If you want to know what truly matters in life, read some obituaries. Very few of them talk about work, money, possessions, and appearances.
Great cheeseburgers don’t have thick patties. What they do have, in my view, is: ¼ lb of meat MAX, smashed and cooked until crispy on the edges, a thin slice of melty cheese, dill pickles, a few rings of raw onions, a slice of tomato, and special sauce or spicy mayo. All on a small buttery bun that squishes perfectly when you bite into it. In other words, the best cheeseburgers are smash burgers. I’m not taking counterarguments at this time, thank you.
The people I respect most are those who have a strong desire to learn and evolve.
A 10-minute walk outside improves lots of situations.
Humans got a lot right when we created the modern public library. It’s one of the best institutions in the world. PROTECT IT AT ALL COSTS.
You can learn a lot about America by eating at a diner.
Pay attention to who boosts your energy and who drains it. It’s so telling, y’all.
Nothing changes if nothing changes.
Be skeptical of anyone who doesn’t openly and honestly critique the U.S. and its actions at home and abroad. I think often about this quote from James Baldwin: “I love America more than any other country in the world, and exactly for this reason, I insist on the right to criticize her perpetually.”
Gummy (gummi?) bears are 100x better when you keep ‘em in the fridge. Also, there is a superior gummy brand, and it is Albanese. Trust.
People are unnecessarily rude about the existence of canned tuna. Canned tuna is AWESOME. Mash it up with some chopped red onion, celery, capers, banana peppers, parsley, lots of black pepper, flaky sea salt, yellow mustard, red wine vinegar, and a little mayo; spread it on a piece of toasted sourdough, and drizzle with olive oil. Thank me later.
It’s okay to dislike things other people love. (For example, I don’t really like going to concerts. Sue me.)
Most people are struggling with something you know nothing about and will never know anything about. Giving people the benefit of the doubt is a gift to them—and to yourself.
Life is so very short in the grand scheme of things, and we never know how long we’ve got. Just be a kind person, have fun, and do something that brings you joy as often as you can. Okay?! Okay.
Whew! If you made it this far, thank you for being a super reader. But first, if I may: What are some things you’ve learned during your stint on Earth so far? I do really love to hear from you, so if you feel inclined, just reply to this email or share a comment for everyone to enjoy. No pressure—I’m just happy you’re here 🫶🏼
Until next time,
Elizabeth
I wrote this over the weekend. I wish my weekday mornings felt that blissful!
I’m only half-kidding (about heaven existing). Not the bread being heavenly.
In my nearly 80 years I have learned that it is OK, occasionally, to stay in my bathrobe, until noon. 🤗
As usual you've found a way to share your wisdom and kind thoughts. This has once again rejuvenated me and given me some new things to try like the canned tuna recipe. 😋
One of the key things I've experienced is human interaction being so valuable in many different ways. Learning from cultures and communities around the world, listening to the experiences of others (especially our elders) and learning from them, and leaning into the relationships we have with friends, family, etc. Similar to #5 but just being fully with others and getting love, excitement, knowledge and more from every human interaction. I appreciate interactions with others.