The Beauty of Intergenerational Friendship

And how I met one of my dearest friends, who's 50+ years older than me.

Hi, friends! How is today’s newsletter finding you?

I stayed up too late reading a new book I got from the library: Age of Vice by Deepti Kapoor. I learned about it through Roxane Gay’s book club (I will read anything she recommends), and it’s the kind of gripping and wild generational saga that makes you inadvertently skip sentences just to know what happens next. I love those kinds of books—especially when I need to get lost in a story outside of my own—but my body doesn’t when I stay up too late to read them. Rest assured my second breakfast will also include a second espresso today. What have you been reading lately? Anything you’re loving? One of these days I’ll assemble the Second Breakfast reading list…

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In a previous edition of this newsletter, I talked about making friends as an adult and rewriting my own narrative of what that could look like. It must have struck a chord with y’all because it’s the most-read edition of Second Breakfast. Which just confirms what we all know: Friendship is a hot topic! Everyone wants and needs it, whether they admit it or not. It’s central to our need for acceptance, belonging, and support.

This week, I’m continuing the conversation by talking about intergenerational friendship—specifically my experience with intergenerational friendship.

But let me back up first.

Something I’ve noticed is that most of us are friends with people who are the same age as us, or at least close in age to us. This is due in some part to homophily, or the tendency to seek out and bond with others who are similar to us. Ever heard of the saying, “birds of a feather flock together?”

Homophily has been studied in hundreds of social network analyses and it’s often broken down into two types: 1) status homophily (sharing sociodemographic characteristics like sex, race, ethnicity, and age, as well as acquired characteristics like job, religion, education, hobbies); and 2) value homophily (associating with others who hold similar values, beliefs, and attitudes).

This sociological and psychological tendency exists for many reasons, but one of them is quite interesting: communication can be easier for humans when we’re operating from shared baselines. This means we exert less effort with those friendships, and because we find it easier, we seek out those people more often. Do you have a friendship that just feels effortless? Have you ever bonded with someone right away upon meeting them? Do you find yourself gravitating toward the same friends when you think about how you want to spend your weekend? Turns out there’s a scientific reason! Homophily comes into play when making friends but also when retaining friends, which is why some of us have an easier time keeping in touch with some people over others.

There are so many other factors at play here, so while I don’t want to reduce making—and keeping—friends to this one tendency, I do find its effects interesting. In the context of intergenerational friendship, I think it’s a huge reason why a lot of us aren’t friends with people who are decades apart from us in age. But I can’t help but think: How many amazing people, friendships, and perspectives are we missing out on in our subconscious or conscious quest for similarity?

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One thing that’s been true of me my whole life is that I’ve always enjoyed the company of people who are much older than me (I’m talking about age 60s and up). I joke that this is because I’m an old soul myself, a 70-year-old trapped in a 28-year-old’s body, but who really knows why? There’s a home video of me at age three, face pressed to the long-corded phone, talking gibberish to my grandparents on the other end for at least 20 minutes, like there was no one else I wanted to talk to. I was never the shy kid who didn’t know how to talk to adults; in fact, I sought it out. That makes me chuckle now because it was clear that my love of long, deep conversations with people I trusted and admired was apparent very early on.

It’s why I volunteered at a nursing home in high school for three years, spending my free time talking to people about their lives, or in the case of memory care patients, sitting with them while we did arts and crafts in peaceful silence. Let me be clear: I didn’t do this to be self-aggrandizing; I did it because I enjoyed it, and I felt very at home being around people who had lived many lives well before I, or even my parents, were born. I loved learning from them, and I couldn’t—and still can’t—understand the tendency to write off older generations, or aging in general. It’s why, when I moved to Seattle and eventually started freelancing, I thought about all the ways I could take advantage of my flexible schedule, and decided I wanted to find a way to spend time with older folks. I had formed great friendships at the nursing home, and I wanted to find that here, too.

I eventually got involved with a local organization that helps elders remain in their homes while staying active and engaged as they age. They do this by connecting elders to local volunteers who can help with household tasks, give them rides to doctor’s appointments, be their health advocate, and offer social companionship. They also offer a slew of cool events and activities that older folks in the community can join (book clubs, jewelry making, theatre groups, walking groups, and more). The way they’re reimagining aging is awesome.

But what I love about the organization the most is how it introduced me to one of my dearest friends, Judy. (Hi, Judy! Judy reads this newsletter).

I first met Judy when I signed up to walk her guide dog after she had back surgery. She lives in my neighborhood, so I could easily walk to where she lives a few times a week to hang out with her sweet Black lab, Colt. Since Colt wasn’t wearing his harness—and thus wasn’t working—while he was with me, he took advantage of greeting every dog and person we passed. But the absolute best part about walking him was seeing him reunite with Judy when we came back, bounding toward her with so much love and excitement. You’ve never seen a dog happier to see their owner.

Every time after I walked Colt, Judy and I would chat and get to know one another. Despite our 50+ year age difference, I remember how quickly we hit it off. Our post-walk chats grew from 5 minutes to 15 minutes to 30 minutes to eventually an hour. Eventually the time came, a few months later, when Judy was fully recovered and no longer needed dog walking support. Neither of us were sure what would become of our newfound friendship now that Colt no longer needed walking, but we both knew we wanted to maintain it. We ultimately planned to get coffee a few weeks later, which resulted in a 3-hour gab at a local coffee shop. We had a blast, and our friendship was cemented. For the past year, Judy and I get together every few weeks at the same coffee shop, chatting about everything on our mind. It’s one of my favorite ways to spend my time.

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I’ve learned so much from Judy.

She’s wicked smart, kind, hilarious, and deeply empathetic. We bond over our love of travel, books, progressive feminism, politics (including our shared disgust with Republican clowns), and she introduces me to new movies, snacks, flowers, and my favorite of all: hilarious stories from her past. We talk to each other about problems we’re facing or stress we’re experiencing, and knowing there’s a supportive and non-judgmental space to work through those things together is one of the most comforting aspects of our friendship—and perhaps, friendship in general. Judy’s outlook on life reminds me not to take my own too seriously, and I’m reminded that life is long and what seems like a big deal now ultimately irons out later.

What better way to get perspective on life than from someone who’s lived it for much longer than you have?

Judy and me after dinner last week.

Just last week, Judy and I had a girl’s night out at one of my favorite dinner spots in Seattle. We got drinks, ordered more food than we could possibly finish, and then just as we were about to burst from eating so much—we ordered three desserts, two to eat there and one to go, because we couldn’t decide between them. It was fabulous.

While today’s newsletter is about my appreciation for my friendship with Judy, it’s also about my appreciation for intergenerational friendship writ large—and what you gain when you become friends with folks who are at different stages of life than you.

If anything, I hope this reminds you that becoming friends with people who are different ages than you is not only possible, it’s important. And it’s deeply rewarding. If I get the privilege to live to an old age, I hope I can count younger people in my circle of friends, too.

Finally, I hope this reminds you that you likely haven’t even met some of your dearest friends yet. How cool is that?

Until next week,

Elizabeth