38 Ways To Channel Your Despair

It's been a rough few weeks (months?). Here's a darkness toolkit of another kind.

Good morning!

So, um. How’s everyone doing? On a scale of one to an explosively crumbly Nature Valley granola bar, how much do you feel like things are falling apart?

*Eye twitch*

I, for one, have been better. I’ve been thinking a lot about what to do with the despair, rage, and sadness that I—and I think so many of us—feel right now. There’s a lot of scary shit going on in our country and around the world, leaving many people feeling powerless at best and fearing for their lives at worst.

This time of year, I lean heavily into what I call my darkness toolkit—the things I rely on to make the dark, rainy months of fall and winter in the Pacific Northwest as comforting and as enjoyable as possible. Re-reading that list recently made me think about how I (we?) need a darkness toolkit of another kind—one we can turn to when we feel hopeless about national and global events and aren’t sure what to do next. One that we can use to remind ourselves: Oh, there actually are some things I can do right now as an antidote to despair.

Sunset over the Olympic mountain range, which now happens at about 4:30pm.

It’s so easy to feel the opposite, that this is just how it is now, and then…we do nothing. There are many reasons for that. For generations, activists and organizers have rightly pointed out how, throughout history, people in power rely on tactics to instill feelings of powerlessness, complacency, and despondence in the masses. They benefit when people check out, while our communities, the ones closest to us, the ones who need us, suffer from our ambivalence.

At times, I’ve noticed that so many of us (including me) wax poetic about how horrible it all is, yell into our echo chambers, and then shut down and retreat. I understand that for so many people, retreating is necessary for day-to-day survival. If you need to do that to take care of yourself or your family, please do.

But at some point, we have to ask ourselves: When does our sadness and rage about the way things are get channeled into building what we want to see?

I’m increasingly wary of falling into the rut of complaining about something again and again but not doing anything to address it. We can’t afford to do that in this context. People’s lives literally depend on us not throwing up our hands resignedly.

Obviously we can’t just wave a magic wand and change the actions of global leaders, but there’s always something we can do where we are. A belief that we can’t is just delusional and frankly, it’s insulting to generations of activists throughout history who invested so much time and effort in their communities, re-writing narratives that once seemed set in stone. Of course, there are many instances in which we do make a concerted effort and don’t get the desired results. But that doesn’t mean that those efforts don’t matter, or that they didn’t make a difference.

So, I jotted down a list of things I/we can do to pull ourselves out of the pit of paralysis and turn toward our communities instead of away from them. These range from things we can act on right this instant, to things that take a little more time and effort, to things that are free, and things that cost something. Some of these things I’ve done, some are things I want to be better at doing, and some I want to do for the first time. Some may seem obvious, and not all of them will be for everyone. But I hope you find something in here that resonates, and I hope you feel inspired to add to the list. Also, I really can’t recommend #37 enough 😊. This is a longer newsletter today, so if it cuts off, you can read the full thing in your browser or on the Substack app.

1. First of all, let the anger + sadness out! (Just don’t direct it toward others.) Otherwise, it stays in our bodies and builds on itself—keeping us irritable, stressed, and inflamed. I personally like screaming underwater or into a pillow, boxing, having a good cry, or walking up a hill as fast as I can. (Lol.)

2. Give someone you care about a hug. A ten-second hug increases feel-good chemicals (like oxytocin) in your brain, while lowering stress and blood pressure.

3. Set up a recurring monthly donation to an organization whose work you want to support. What’s an issue you feel REALLY strongly about addressing? Chances are, there’s an organization that’s working on it. Two orgs whose work I really value are the National Network of Abortion Funds, which supports people in need of reproductive health care, and The Loveland Foundation, which provides financial assistance to Black girls and women seeking therapy.

4. Support mutual aid funds so that money goes directly to people who need it. Literally just google “[your city] mutual aid funds” and I promise you’ll find a ton. In Seattle, we have a lot of fantastic funds that support newly arrived refugees, undocumented youth, and people in need of free, hot meals.

5. Give money to an unhoused person in your neighborhood. There are awful stereotypes about people experiencing homelessness (“They’ll just use it on drugs!” Ok, first of all, that’s literally none of our business. Second of all, we don’t know that.). But the stories behind why people may be unhoused are so varied: Sometimes it’s a gay teenager escaping an abusive home, a single mom trying to afford food and diapers for her baby, a veteran who lost his job and can no longer make rent payments, someone who has temporary housing but needs an extra meal today. But it also doesn’t matter why. If someone needs help, someone needs help.

6. Buy gift cards for people—whether it’s someone you love or a stranger. I love the viral trend of people buying Target gift cards and quietly slipping them into the back pockets of maternity jeans, in between packs of diapers, or among baby clothes in the store. Grocery store and gas gift cards are awesome, too.

7. Make dinner for someone, or if you have a little extra, drop it off so they don’t have to worry about what to have.

8. Invite someone over for a drink or a casual meal. Have a neighbor who lives alone? Have a friend who’s been stressed lately? Want to just have some low-key company while you’re doing something you’d already be doing? Call ‘em up!

9. Host a dinner or snack party. Have everyone bring something so it’s less work for you. Or just make it easy and order a few pizzas. Bonus: Brainstorm with one another about ways you can can collectively show up for your community.

10. Invite someone you want to spend more time with or want to get to know better to a coffee shop, café, or restaurant you’ve been meaning to try. Cultivating friendship 🤝 Supporting local businesses.

11. Write an email or a letter to a friend or family member and tell them what you love about them. Too often, we wait until people are dead to talk about all of the things we appreciate about them. Let’s do it now! Everyone deserves to feel appreciated.

12. Get to know and get involved with local community organizers who are doing the hard work every day, not just during big election years. Every win, every positive news headline, is often the result of years-long efforts at the hands of people who see something they want to change and don’t give up on it in the face of setbacks.

13. Write a letter to an incarcerated person.

14. Send/donate books to people in prison. Here’s where to do that in every state.

15. Get a bird feeder and put it right by your window.

16. Donate holiday gifts to kids through a local non-profit. We had so much fun shopping for Squishmallows and art supplies last year for a few kiddos.

17. Introduce yourself to your neighbor(s). Say hello on the street or stick a little note in their mailbox.

18. Send someone $$ through Venmo, Cashapp, or Zelle. This is one of the sweetest ways to say: I see you, I’m thinking about you, and I want to help brighten your day.

19. Read articles or watch documentaries about space. As Aaron (my partner) said, “There are so many cool experiments being conducted around the search for dark matter right now. It’s a good reminder of how many bigger things there are than [redacted] and [redacted] being pieces of shit.” 😊

20. Buy tickets to a concert for yourself or someone else.

21. Support your local comedy club or community theater by going to a show.

22. Go to an author talk at your local bookstore.

23. Offer to babysit a friend’s kid, walk their dog, or help them with a task. It is a complete myth that people don’t need help. Everyone needs help, and everyone wants to help. Ask for help. Accept help. Offer help. The end.

24. Volunteer. There are so many good ways to do this that are customizable to your schedule and interests. Volunteermatch.org is a great place to start. That’s where I found the organization I currently volunteer with.

25. Establish a ritual. I’ve wrote about this before, but having a pre-scheduled regular activity can be such a nice way to stay connected to your people, especially if you’re feeling isolated. I love my Friday morning phone catch-ups with a friend, my weekly polar plunges in the Puget Sound, and my monthly book clubs. I also LOVE a no-plans Sunday.

26. Make a point to talk to a stranger every day. Better yet, compliment a stranger. I felt like a blob the other day but then someone told me they loved my jacket, and it kicked off a totally day-brightening conversation.

27. Join an online support group.

28. Foster a pet. Or adopt one!

29. Or, a little bit more manageable: Buy a plant! Taking care of a living thing soothes me like no other. Facebook Marketplace is a great way to look for free plants (often from people who are moving).

30. Buy flowers for a friend or for a local business owner to display in their shop.

31. Tip service providers extra, if you can. Especially around the holidays. Regardless of how you feel about the U.S. tipping system, please don’t be a stingy tipper. Many folks depend on tips to pay the bills.

32. Call or write a letter to your elected officials. Don’t forget: It’s literally their job to listen to you.

33. Goes without saying, but please vote in all elections. Especially your local ones.

34. Clean up trash on the beach, in the forest, or on your street when you see it.

35. Donate your blood!

36. Contribute to little free libraries or pantries.

37. One of my favorites: Host a Freudenfreude gathering. The opposite of schadenfreude (which is feeling good about someone else’s misfortune, like a bad guy getting his due in a movie), freudenfreude is delighting in someone else’s success or qualities.

    1. Here’s how it works: Gather with anywhere from 4-10 people you know well, and give everyone an index card for each person there. Make sure everyone has space to write privately. Pick a person, set a timer for three minutes, and have everyone jot down what they love, admire, or are proud of about that person on their index card. A few bullet points is fine. Keep it anonymous. Once you’ve cycled through everyone, set up a line of small paper bags—one for each person—with their name on it. Have everyone drop their folded cards for each person in that person’s bag (again, keep it anonymous). Then nominate someone to read that person’s cards to the full group, and cycle through until everyone’s cards have been read. I guarantee you someone will tear up, and I guarantee you everyone will leave feeling warm, fuzzy, and appreciated. Make sure everyone takes their bag of affirmations home, so that they can read through them whenever they need a pick-me-up. It’s very fun, especially when good food and drinks are involved.

38. Talk it out with your people. Don’t bottle it up. Lean into your community. You’re not alone.

Okay, your turn: What else would you add to this list? I bet y’all have some awesome ideas, and I’d love to hear about them. Leave a comment so everyone can see, or shoot me an email with your thoughts. As always, I so enjoy hearing from you.

Please take care of yourself and each other.

Until next time,

Elizabeth